The journey of self-discovery

I am sitting in a guesthouse at St. John's University in Minnesota reading the book "Conversations with God" and having major epiphanies and realizations about my life.. and looking back at choices I have made and seeing where I am now today from where I have been...I have realized that for most of my life I truly have not loved me and I haven't always stayed true to who I really am at the core...and when I have walked out who I really am and what I really desire and believe, it doesn't always fit into what I think other people perceive as what is best. I also wonder about the decisions I have made in my life and if they were really made out of fear or out of love....I am fearing the outcome of this, so I choose this option...OR I love these things and this opportunity fits with who I am, so therefore I am going to choose it......

I have been reflecting on the last couple years of my life and looking at choices I made and why I made those choices...the choices that I made that I did out of a heart and desire of me walking out what I love and who I am, choices that were not easy but were the most fulfilling at the core, not always most accepted by people in my life who love me. I often found myself questioning what I really believed to be true for me....the reactions of others actually solidified more for me that I was making the best decision for me....though the things that stood in the way of people's acceptance was fear instead of belief that with God all things are possible...

I have realized how much my soul craves believing that God can make a way where there seems to be no way, but how fear keep my actions from following my soul truth...how much I desire to be free from "this is the way it should be done"...this is what your career path should look like...this is the way you are supposed to meet someone, date, and go about marriage...this is how you should approach intimacy and sex...this is the way you should think about life...this is the way you should think about God and how He works...this is the way that you should go about thinking about ANYTHING....if you look back to many of the amazing men and women who created, invented, wrote, sang, developed, and led in this country and in the world, years and centuries ago, they were men and women who were free to think, ask, explore, create, ponder, experience...and therefore, paved the way in their fields and areas of exploration and in this world. I think this is why I desire to live out west and in the mountains and in nature.....the beauty, the majesty, the calmness of the mountains speak to me what I believe is God's highest truth for all of us.....It's like He's saying, "Look at all the beauty and wonder I created just for you..to live, breathe, experience, play, work, love, create, and marvel in..." and you spend all your time worrying, trying to be perfect, act perfect, get it all right, judge yourself, judge others, tell people this is the way it should be, and live in fear...and miss what is all around you all the time..ME!" I am so tired of living this way and want no part of it....my soul has spent so much of my life peeking out once and awhile when I have been doing things that I love and experience great joy in...but so much of it has been stuffed by my own and other's expectations...including the expectations I have felt by the members of church, when the people in it aren't really walking out in love and grace and freedom in their own lives and then impose their judgments and hurts on others.

I have spent the last year of my life really evaluating my beliefs and have felt challenged in the ways of thinking that I was living in that was limiting me and causing fear, a judging attitude towards other, and joylessness...I was hiding behind a wall of beliefs and paradigms that ultimately were there out of trying to protect myself from being hurt and out of fear of doing the wrong thing. I have made a lot of changes in my life in the last year and they have not been easy, but they have been the best thing for me...I have experienced so much healing and self-realization that has led me to be even more of who I desire to be and believe I am meant to be..and believe I already am but aren't living it out on a daily basis. I believe that God desires for each of his creations to be walking out who we already are but don't know it or acknowledge it and let other things get in the way of "being" who we desire to be. Challenges only strengthen it and show us more of who we are.

Last summer at Tentmakers, we each were asked to write out a 7 year letter..picturing what our lives would look like in 2015 and what had happened the previous 7 years... we also did a 2 year letter...both of them were the most the most powerful exercises I have ever done...it gave me the freedom to picture how I desire to see my life happen and to believe that it will. I pictured having my own wellness business, getting married to my best friend, having a family, traveling, moving out west, writing songs, and being apart of a young women's conference/movement (when Bella was still going to happen and still could, though my vision of it has changed). What's awesome is that those things have already been set in motion and God will continually do more than I could even ask for or imagine, which is so amazing...but we need to set it out there in our minds and believe in what we desire...for so long I diminished my desires because I thought they were selfish or wrong to look at what I really want, but I realize that the desires that are there are there for a reason and if they give me an opportunity to experience joy and fulfillment and to be able to help other's experience the same, then those are Godly desires.

I am learning more and more about who I really am and it has been the most freeing experience of my life being on this journey of creating and discovering..my healing journey as a wounded healer...as God continues to use me to help others in their healing processes...one of my greatest purposes. Thank you for the journey Lord and that we are never alone on it....keep showing us all more and more of everything you have given us as gifts.